In life, we don’t always get what we want. In fact, we often don’t get what we want, and these experiences create immense suffering in our lives. Maybe there was a job you really wanted, and you were convinced that you were a perfect fit, or a person who was definitely ‘the one’, or an apartment that felt like it was meant to be home. Why did not work out? Why is life so unfair? Life is full of loss, from not getting the last brownie to losing the love of your life. Our ability to successfully navigate through these moments can make all the difference to our well-being and experience of the world. Unfortunately, many of us have never thought to upskill in this way as learning how to deal with loss or failure is often equated with giving up. This is ridiculous because statistically it is impossible for things to always go our way, so it makes sense to be well prepared for the moments when it doesn’t. Failure and loss also allow room for growth and resilience. How do you fail? When you do not get something really want, how do you manage that curveball?
Acceptance of the present moment is key, as well as acceptance that you have limited control over life. Can you surrender to the inevitable uncertainty of being? Moreover, how willing are you to acknowledge that you are part of something bigger than just yourself and so your failure may, in fact, be someone else’s gain? Have you ever entertained the idea that in certain situations, you could be playing a supporting role in someone else’s story? Sometimes we are in certain situations for the benefit of others, and we may never really know how we contributed to the broader narrative. Another perspective to consider is that what we gain from an experience is not always what we think it ‘should’ be but rather what we may, in some way or another, need. Thus, being open to alternative versions of your assumed truth can also be helpful in gaining a deeper understanding of said failure or loss.
This does not mean that the emotions we experience when we fail or do not get what we want are somehow invalid or should not be felt. Not at all. These are a natural part of the process. Of course, there will be sadness, loss, disappointment, and sometimes anger when things do not go our way. These can be tough experiences. In fact, they can be gut-wrenching and so it can be helpful to be mindful in these moments and take stock of your emotions. How much of what you are feeling is in response to the actual event itself, or the story you are telling yourself about the experience? Be cognisant of levels of self-blame, self-criticism, and all-or-nothing thinking. These methods of coping are often ways to try and feel like we have more control than we do-if we weren’t so “lazy”, “incompetent” and so forth then things would have worked out. Constructive self-evaluation is one thing, being shitty to yourself is another. Being mean to yourself evokes a shame response which shuts down thinking while compassionate and curious inquiry can help you learn from experience and scaffold behaviour change. Additionally, learning how to tolerate disappointment by recognizing what it feels like in your body and how to help yourself move through the sensations, emotions, and thought patterns that arise can be helpful.
I think it is important to mention that another method of coping with not getting what we want is to assume the worst. If we expect nothing then nothing will be lost and in this way, we try to bypass feelings of loss, grief, or disappointment. The logic is partially sound, but the lived experience sucks. We get none of the hope and excitement, we still feel the loss and at times, the ‘I expect nothing’ attitude can result in us acting in ways that unwittingly elicit the worst. Furthermore, the ‘expect the worst’ technique and the expectation that we ‘should’ get what we want to keep us happy have something in common, both avoid the uncomfortable experience of sitting in uncertainty. To remain open to ambiguity is to remain open to life, which can be scary but also rewarding. From this place, we learn to accept disappointment and loss with tenderness and grace, embrace the moments when things do work out, both big and small, and acknowledge that we are part of a story much bigger than our own.
