All of us have a story, more than one, where we have been treated poorly by others, the victim in the narrative. Rarely do we recall the times when we hurt others, when we experience envy or admit in taking delight in judging people. These characteristics are fundamental to the human experience, yet many people invest extensive time and energy, consciously or unconsciously, denying the less than virtuous characteristics of themselves while vilifying others. Self-righteousness is rife as is rigid thinking and the complexity of ethics, morality, and humanity are often lost. The internet is a wonderful example of this and is a digital playground for banished shadow parts. Shadow parts refer to the parts of ourselves that we struggle to own and often deny exist. The parts that are needy, lazy, selfish, vain, sexual, murderous, angry, and so forth. Culture, family, and religion play a big role in the banishment of particular parts of ourselves, and we are constantly receiving messages about what kind of behaviours, emotions, and thoughts are acceptable and unacceptable. This is understandable as humans must live together and this requires a give and take of needs and boundaries. However, at the same time, there are drawbacks to denying certain aspects of our humanness.
Denial does not mean that these parts no longer exist. It just means that you do not take accountability for them, and this is a problem. Moreover, shadow parts in and of themselves are not good nor bad. They just are. For example, anger is a powerful and often protective emotion that communicates a potential boundary crossing or unfair treatment. However, anger unleashed, repressed, or denied, has the potential to hurt and damage relationships. It’s the action not the emotion which is problematic. So, if you have been brought up believing that your anger is ‘bad’ or that you are inherently ‘bad’ for expressing anger, you may not know how to identify, modulate, and effectively use anger. Rather, in these situations, you may experience yourself ‘blowing up’ or engaging in manipulative, or passive aggressive behaviour. This is an angry shadow part that you are not consciously owning. Worse, people begin to believe that they are ‘bad’ or ‘unloveable’ simply because they experience anger (or any of their other shadow parts) which is problematic as it is inevitable because we are human.
Selfishness is similar. Learning how to effectively care for oneself and at times, prioritise your own needs ahead of others, allows for the development of a healthy sense of self and relationship. This idea can sit uncomfortably for people who have learned to consistently place other people’s needs ahead of their own. Putting others ahead of themselves may have been looked upon favourably while moments of ‘selfishness’ could have been met with punishment or shame. However, these unmet needs do not simply disappear and often result in the development of underlying resentment, co-dependency, depression, apathy, and entitlement. As such, while selflessness is often positioned as virtuous, it is detrimental if not supported by conscious selfishness. In this way, you can arrive authentically for others and people around you know how to arrive authentically for you.
Acceptance of our shadow parts is also not about condoning ‘bad behaviour’. Genuine acceptance of the self requires an unflinching but gentle examination of our internal worlds without malice or shame. For how can we deliberately process past hurts, fulfil unmet needs, and live meaningful lives if we do not own all of ourselves? The needy, selfish, jealous, hurt, and lustful parts of ourselves are not just ‘bad’. Rather, they indicate areas of self-development, strength, and healing and when met with curiosity, compassion, and bravery, have the potential to be life enhancing. I invite you to take the time to sit with yourself and honestly reflect-who are you really? What shadow parts have you been denying exist and why? What does your internal monitoring process look like and why? This is a gentle enquiry and one which has the potential to stir up a lot of emotions. Be kind to yourself, seek support if needed, and take the time. You have one life and time is finite-show up for yourself.
