Many people enter therapy confused about why they ‘have to’ feel uncomfortable emotions such as anger, sadness, or jealousy. In fact, some folks are almost resentful that they feel these emotions and sometimes the reason for coming to therapy is to stop feeling ‘bad’. This is completely understandable as uncomfortable emotions are difficult to tolerate and many of us have never been taught how they work or what the purpose of such feelings are. So, let’s start there: uncomfortable emotions communicate unmet needs. Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs theory states that we have five categories of human needs:
Physiological needs: For example food, water, shelter, sex
Safety needs: For example resources, employment, health, property, personal security
Love and Belonging: For example friendship, intimacy, a sense of belonging and connection
Esteem: For example respect, autonomy, recognition, strength
Self-actualization: The fulfillment of one's potential and talents
When an individual experiences a physiological need as unmet, it is generally easy to identify and attempt to resolve. For example, when you are hungry, you eat and feel satisfied. However, the other needs are not always as straightforward because they are not as tangible and are more subjective in nature. Additionally, we often don’t really think of emotional needs such as the need for belonging, autonomy, or self-actualization as fundamental to our happiness and existence. When these needs go unmet, especially for long periods of time, people often feel anxious and/or depressed. This is particularly true if you dislike ‘sitting with’ uncomfortable emotions and would rather just avoid the emotion, sometimes to the extent of almost being ‘cut off’ from these emotional experiences. This is often done unconsciously. Moreover, many people struggle to identify their emotional states, particularly if they have grown up in families and/or cultures who label emotions such as anger or jealousy as ‘bad’, or alternatively, do not believe that emotions are ‘real’, and that one should just ‘suck it up’ and get on with it. While there are times when this way of being is useful, it becomes less helpful when invalidating one’s emotional state becomes habitual to the point that the uncomfortable emotion is completely bypassed and so the need remains unmet.
For example, let’s say you are enjoying your job but over time you have noticed that your workload is increasing and the expectation is that you continue to perform at the same standard. All your colleagues are experiencing the same thing but just seem to be getting on with things. However, the atmosphere at work is starting to change and people are less talkative and more stressed, but nobody is talking about why. You start to dislike coming to work and the quality of your work begins to drop. You try and explain why you are struggling but your manager is unsympathetic because everyone is ‘under the pump’. You notice a growing frustration, resentment, and anger inside, but you push it down because if everyone else is coping then so should you. However, your anger and frustration let you know that a boundary has been crossed, and a need is unmet. This could be a need for recognition, a need for rest, a need to feel safe in the workplace, or a need to be heard and/or taken seriously. You continue to ignore your emotional experience and notice you begin to feel anxious and depressed. You hate going to work but you believe that you cannot leave your job and so you continue to feel terrible. Another example is when you stay in a relationship because you are too scared to leave even though you are unhappy, or when you find yourself saying yes to spending money you don’t have because you feel socially obliged. People pleasing is a good example of ignoring your own needs and often requires you to continually suppress uncomfortable emotions such as anger, resentment, shame, and/or jealousy. Pushing these big feelings down repeatedly over extended periods of time can lead to chronic pain, inflammation, digestive issues, anxiety, depression, and so on.
Learning to identify, tolerate, and listen to uncomfortable emotions helps to ensure that you recognize that you have unmet needs and/or that a boundary has been crossed (I will discuss boundaries in my next post). The next step is recognizing whether the need can be met by yourself, an other, or maybe both? If the need cannot be met immediately, what steps can be met to fulfill the need in time, and how can you support yourself until action can be taken? Sometimes, a need may not be met how we would like it to be and so again, can you find another way to help yourself meet this need? Learning to recognize that all emotions are useful and important tools of communication from yourself to yourself can help you live a much safer and more meaningful life.
